Continuing the theme....Man vs Woman

**smurfy** · #1 October 23rd, 2000, 01:01 AM

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into
the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because
all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his
penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't
be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee.
She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat
down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I
might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies
need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood" or "piss hard."
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it.

Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and
if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no
choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat
cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And, by the way, when you
use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay
up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet
seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now
sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back
me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy
thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the
seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying
down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet
seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "So sit down like I told you to do all
the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning
wood." Well, it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall
across the room. Even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the
crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You
piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs
on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor
in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the
toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time decision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So, you ladies have to understand that we men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness,
but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our
fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't
have been a problem!

Sharpy · #2 October 23rd, 2000, 01:32 AM

Errmmm.....No comment.

------------------
...Sharpy...
Laugh and the world laughs with you... Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.

lafave · #3 October 23rd, 2000, 03:24 AM

I don't think your theory will hold water......hahahahahahahaha Now if you lived here you could just pee outside..

------------------
excuse me..I forgot the question..

Kimmygem · #4 October 23rd, 2000, 03:43 AM

Well......I think the men should have to clean the floor and toilets...maybe that would help them aim properly!

------------------
<IMG SRC="http://www.kimmygemspad.com/My%20Documents/MyStuff/KimmygemTitle.gif" border=0>
Visit Kimmygem's for Animated Graphics
Join the Fun Bashing Kimmy @ Cyber Tech Help!

lafave · #5 October 23rd, 2000, 04:02 AM

you know, kimmygem..when teaching little boys to aim, you throw cheerios in the toilet bowl...maybe these big boys need the same type of help.........

------------------
excuse me..I forgot the question..

Kimmygem · #6 October 23rd, 2000, 10:55 AM

lmao! Well, maybe donuts to begin with. hehe

------------------
<IMG SRC="http://www.kimmygemspad.com/My%20Documents/MyStuff/KimmygemTitle.gif" border=0>
Visit Kimmygem's for Animated Graphics
Join the Fun Bashing Kimmy @ Cyber Tech Help!

**smurfy** · #7 October 23rd, 2000, 11:05 AM

OMG Cherios????
What is that supposed to teach, get it in the bowl or your penis will be the next one to get chopped off and be floating in the bowl?

Incidentally
1)I do clean the toilet
and
2)my son has always peed sitting down!

Kimmygem · #8 October 23rd, 2000, 04:47 PM

lol....I'm glad to hear that you clean toilets, Smurfy. There is hope, afterall.

------------------
<IMG SRC="http://www.kimmygemspad.com/My%20Documents/MyStuff/KimmygemTitle.gif" border=0>
Visit Kimmygem's for Animated Graphics
Join the Fun Bashing Kimmy @ Cyber Tech Help!

lafave · #9 October 24th, 2000, 02:26 AM

I taught my sons to pee standing on their heads.....hahahahahahha Messy but great party trick.....

------------------
excuse me..I forgot the question..

Geronimo · #10 October 24th, 2000, 04:47 AM

what's a toilet?

Only thing we had on the reservation was a tree with a knothole in it.. sure made the squirrels mad gittin their winter supply all wet.. oh well. lol

------------------
..A word to the wise is unnecessary.. Rouchefoucauld
<IMG SRC="http://www.oppieweb.com/rosie/pics/geronimo.gif" border=0>

**MishY** · #11 November 5th, 2000, 06:34 PM

Moving to the new Jokes Forum on the site

MiShY

------------------
Cyber Tech Help
You Break 'em - We Fix 'em

uripyores · #12 March 23rd, 2005, 03:03 AM

Hole in a tree ? You were lucky...when we we were young etc etc

amnell71 · #13 March 23rd, 2005, 04:43 AM

OMG Smurfy! I was laughing so hard I could barely continue to read! I almost woke up the whole house (it's 11:42pm). My sides hurt like **** by the time I finished that little diatribe. I'm guessing you were having a bad day? Thanks for that - I really needed a good belly laugh today.