Haynes Manual Translations

[dammit]

TRANSLATING THE HAYNES MOTOR MAINTENANCE MANUALS
>
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

[Tom]

[gooner]

Soooooo true

[Tom]

Change dust boot gasket:
Step 1 - Remove Engine
Step 2 - Replace gasket (see diagram)

Sometimes truly seems that way.

[Cigar smoker]

That's a good belly shake you posted there dammit.
Like your declaration on freedom for smokers as well!
What the heck is a hijack helper?
As the founder of the CTH brat pack do I address you as your highness or will a simple Sir do?

[dammit]

Address me as "Your Highness"

[Cigar smoker]

Originally Posted by dammit

Addess me as "Your Highness"

As you wish Sire.
Now can you shed some light on this hijack helper guy? I was accussed by a certifiable bum going by the name of renegade666 of hijacking a internet connection on the network fourm.
Can this Tom hijacker helper teach me on how to look for the fastest connection I can use?

[dammit]

Renegade can't... Tom can. Good luck.

[Snurfen]

I wish the haynes manual had said "when reassembling super dream 250 front forks, look at the sole of Gareth's left Kicker for the retaining nut for the damper cone".
We would've got to Tenby in the daylight and not had to put our tent up in the dark if it had imparted that bit of wisdom. (circa 1982).

On many occasions I have seriously thought of driving down to Haynes HQ (near Cheddar Gorge somewhere) and asked the bloke who has written certain passages out the back for a bare knuckle session. But usually my car/bike/Land Rover was still in bits at that stage with no hope of working in the foreseeable.