30111987
March 16th, 2004, 07:42 PM
I changed some details to ensure no one gets into trouble for it ;)
As a result of the reduction departmental budgets, we have reviewed our staffing requirements and agreed a scheme with the trade union, for the early retirement or selected older employees. This will permit the retention of younger staff, who represent our future.
This program to phase these staff by the end of the year will come into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be assisted to look for other jobs out with the Company. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment record before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED, may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may only be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedures, they will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel?s Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a Benefit Plan, an employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wish to assure younger employees who remain on board, that the company will continue its policy to ensure their development through Special Intensity Training (****). The company takes pride in the amount of **** that our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than another other company in the sector. If any employee feels that they do not receive enough **** on the job, they should see their line manager. He is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the **** you can stand
As a result of the reduction departmental budgets, we have reviewed our staffing requirements and agreed a scheme with the trade union, for the early retirement or selected older employees. This will permit the retention of younger staff, who represent our future.
This program to phase these staff by the end of the year will come into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be assisted to look for other jobs out with the Company. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment record before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED, may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may only be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedures, they will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel?s Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a Benefit Plan, an employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wish to assure younger employees who remain on board, that the company will continue its policy to ensure their development through Special Intensity Training (****). The company takes pride in the amount of **** that our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than another other company in the sector. If any employee feels that they do not receive enough **** on the job, they should see their line manager. He is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the **** you can stand