misterbadnback
June 8th, 2004, 09:02 PM
IT'S HELL GETTING OLD
>>
>> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
>>car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
>>to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
>>brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
>>"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
>>radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
>> FAMILY
>>
>> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
>>the 96 year old draw s a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
>>to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath? "The
>>94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
>>up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
>>old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
>>She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
>>knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
>>as I see who's at the door."
>>
>>
>> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>>
>> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
>>March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy isn't it?" "No," the second
>>man replied, "its Thursday " And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
>>Let's have a beer."
>>
>> NURSING HOME OFFER
>>
>> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
>>home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
>>"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
>>gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two
>>and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
>> ROMANCE
>> An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
>>asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
>>"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
>>across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
>>moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he
>>reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
>>Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
>>he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
>>she asked. "To get my teeth!"
>>
>> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
>> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
>>She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
>>guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
>>gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute
>>and says, "Close enough."
>>
>> OLD FRIENDS
>> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
>>years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
>>their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
>>cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
>>said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time
>>...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
>>can't remember it ... Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared
>>at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
>>Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
>>
>> SENIOR DRIVING
>> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
>> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
>>just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
>>Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
>>one car. It's hundreds of them!"
>>
>> RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT
>> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car that both could
>>barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
>>an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
>>The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it" I
>>could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
>>minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
>>Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
>>almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
>>was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
>>enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
>>other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
>>three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both. Mildred turned
>>to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
>>
>> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
>>car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
>>to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
>>brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
>>"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
>>radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
>> FAMILY
>>
>> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
>>the 96 year old draw s a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
>>to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath? "The
>>94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
>>up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
>>old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
>>She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
>>knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
>>as I see who's at the door."
>>
>>
>> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>>
>> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
>>March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy isn't it?" "No," the second
>>man replied, "its Thursday " And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
>>Let's have a beer."
>>
>> NURSING HOME OFFER
>>
>> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
>>home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
>>"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
>>gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two
>>and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
>> ROMANCE
>> An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
>>asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
>>"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
>>across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
>>moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he
>>reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
>>Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
>>he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
>>she asked. "To get my teeth!"
>>
>> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
>> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
>>She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
>>guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
>>gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute
>>and says, "Close enough."
>>
>> OLD FRIENDS
>> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
>>years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
>>their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
>>cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
>>said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time
>>...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
>>can't remember it ... Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared
>>at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
>>Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
>>
>> SENIOR DRIVING
>> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
>> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
>>just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
>>Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
>>one car. It's hundreds of them!"
>>
>> RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT
>> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car that both could
>>barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
>>an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
>>The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it" I
>>could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
>>minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
>>Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
>>almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
>>was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
>>enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
>>other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
>>three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both. Mildred turned
>>to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"