dammit
July 22nd, 2004, 05:36 PM
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of
19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.
Elizabeth Simpkins driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th
October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,
and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes
later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two
adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313
miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a
Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her
journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the
rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed
journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August
and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of
Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could
not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale.
After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with
his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought
one for ?12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other
one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for
window shopping longevity when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood
motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster
for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale
is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February
12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in
cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A
seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which
escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost.
A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout
the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy
scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in
Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half
months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and
toilet visits. Throughout the whole time no information was exchanged and
neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for
talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her
neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and
12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening
dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the
bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury
popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she
told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm,
she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by
4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur
dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American
tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs.
Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was
common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley
Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously
is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At
their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on
October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was
immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass,
the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to
finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th
October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch
'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40
secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie then, him in the glasses ?",
revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in
1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is
this a war film ?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute
barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of
Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted
on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air,
before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to
Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.
At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she achieved an
unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an
amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and
tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible
croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous
gesticulations and indignant spasms.
Most Shops Visited before returning to the first one (doubles)
The largest number of shops visited before returning to the first shop,
accompanied by a husband, is 182, achieved by Mrs A Thompson (GB) in
Newcastle, on August 3rd1982. Shops visited included 43 that didnt even sell
shoes (the goods she was searching for), marking Mrs Thompson a real pro,
and earning her the title of European Champion also. Her husband was
periodically heard to say "Yes dear, no dear".
Driving too close
The record for the longest time period sat in a car without uttering "you're
driving to close..." is held by a Mrs Shipham of Cheltenham. On 18th August
1996 her husband agreed to take her shopping in London and it was on this
journey that she clocked up a whole 2 hours 21 minutes 43 seconds before
breaking the silence. Even though it has been confirmed that 2 hours 21
minutes and 33 seconds of that was spent sleeping - the record is still
valid according to Guinness officiators.
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of
19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.
Elizabeth Simpkins driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th
October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,
and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes
later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two
adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313
miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a
Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her
journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the
rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed
journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August
and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of
Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could
not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale.
After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with
his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought
one for ?12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other
one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for
window shopping longevity when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood
motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster
for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale
is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February
12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in
cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A
seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which
escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost.
A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout
the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy
scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in
Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half
months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and
toilet visits. Throughout the whole time no information was exchanged and
neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for
talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her
neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and
12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening
dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the
bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury
popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she
told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm,
she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by
4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur
dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American
tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs.
Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was
common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley
Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously
is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At
their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on
October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was
immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass,
the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to
finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th
October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch
'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40
secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie then, him in the glasses ?",
revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in
1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is
this a war film ?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute
barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of
Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted
on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air,
before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to
Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.
At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she achieved an
unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an
amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and
tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible
croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous
gesticulations and indignant spasms.
Most Shops Visited before returning to the first one (doubles)
The largest number of shops visited before returning to the first shop,
accompanied by a husband, is 182, achieved by Mrs A Thompson (GB) in
Newcastle, on August 3rd1982. Shops visited included 43 that didnt even sell
shoes (the goods she was searching for), marking Mrs Thompson a real pro,
and earning her the title of European Champion also. Her husband was
periodically heard to say "Yes dear, no dear".
Driving too close
The record for the longest time period sat in a car without uttering "you're
driving to close..." is held by a Mrs Shipham of Cheltenham. On 18th August
1996 her husband agreed to take her shopping in London and it was on this
journey that she clocked up a whole 2 hours 21 minutes 43 seconds before
breaking the silence. Even though it has been confirmed that 2 hours 21
minutes and 33 seconds of that was spent sleeping - the record is still
valid according to Guinness officiators.