My new tazer gun (strong language)

[modmidget]

My friends are fond of saying that my last words on
this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself
once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future.

Here goes.....

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and
Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that
my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star
Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a
superball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a
bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing
bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with
hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better
than that, now does it?) I'm so easily distracted.
That dang superball is so much fun.

So what waw I talking about? Oh yeah, I bought
something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The
occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little
something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-
sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with
this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab
the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these
things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my
chagrin that this particular model would not create an
arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the
button, however, and pressed it against a metal
surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs that I was
so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a
blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee
. . I'm easily amused.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my
recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be
me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of
a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
doggy, after all. But, if I was going to use this
thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a
pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really,
and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have
got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning
that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king ****!
DAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over
me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do
it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to
mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of
the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-B!TCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, nd my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an
ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone
seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I miss 'em . . .
sure would like to get 'em back.

[Snurfen]

:dizzy: :eek: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[oink]

Wasn't sure if the story was about the newer tazer, which I didn't know was sold to the public or the older stun gun. Unfortunately the stun gun doesn't work nearly that well. The tazer, however is another story. It actually can shoot the prongs about 20 ft and can be quite entertaining when administered to someone in a full run on rough asphault.

[AzerrezA]

It was in or somewhere around 1988 or 89. I lived in a small apartment complex and one of the guys there (named Dennis, just in case he sees this) was really big into military equipment and survival stuff. He had one of, I guess older models, that would actually shoot a spark off. It was a push the button and it did it's thing only once and stopped kind of thing. Probably worked off of a capister of some kind. Anyways, I was over at his place and he was showing me this thing since he had just got it. We was watching some TV show or something, been too long ago and too many beers ago for me to remember all the tiny details. Well next thing I know he is flopping around on the floor yelling and I am not real sure now, but if I remember right I think he even cried a little. Yep, he had done the exact same thing. Stuck it on his leg just to see how bad it really was. It wasn't as bad as what you described, but still very funny to see.
Guess the technology has greatly improved over the years.

Just wish I had been there to see yours in action. :D

[oink]

I did have the pleasure of watching a good show quite a few years ago with one of the old Nova stun guns. The guy was wearing it in an abbreviated nylon belt holster that held it prongs down and that did not provide insulation. I believe (memory is failing) he was in the process of sitting in his car and accidentally activated the button against the door post while sitting going thru the nylon and clothes into him. It caused him to junp off the seat about six inches which relieved the pressure on the button. His weight then carried him back down into the same position which reactivated the button. This repeated itself about 5 times while I nearly died from laughing so hard. I suppose I should have tried to assist him as he "was" a friend but ......nah. Too good of a show to interrupt.

[Snurfen]

I'd loved to have seen all the incidents listed so far!

The only one I have seen was the clip doing the rounds on the internet a few years back, it looked like a very early episode of "Jackass" or similar. Some guy was standing on a podium wearing nothing but a baseball cap (no surprise on the headgear then) and a towel. At the appointed moment, he whipped away the towel and his "friend" administered the Tazer to the guys right bollock.

Needless to say he took off at about 45 degrees and hit the deck in the foetal position. Everyone else on the clip was falling about laughing.

The first three or four times we replayed it all the guys in the office were groaning and doubling over in sympathy. However, as soon as the clip finished, someone would shout "play it again" (aren't we a sick bunch). Eventually it got to the stage where no-one could stop laughing long enough to hit the play button.