misterbadnback
August 4th, 2004, 09:46 PM
Eve's conversation with God
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and
be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be
bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will
look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been
complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He
won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think
properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it
will have to be our little secret.....You know, woman to woman."
================================================== ==
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in
the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?" The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit
dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough
up with her vagina. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that
your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the
girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious
husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee,
carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on
the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a
thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed
and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, "****
woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a
biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
================================================== ==
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor
comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You
have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?". "Go home, Eat 3
sausages, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure
me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better
understanding of what your ass is for.
================================================== ==
Giorgio arrived in the United States from Italy about six months ago. He
walks to work every day and passes the same shoe store. Each day he
stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Boccelli leather
shoes. After about two months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost, and
purchases them. Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a
dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight? "
Sophia, startled, says "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how
do you know? "Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00
Boccelli leather shoes, how do you like them?
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa,
do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do but
how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new
$300.00 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now the evening
is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to
dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella,
be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please,
please, tella me this true. "Carmella answers, "Yes, yes Giorgio, I wear no
panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a
CRACK in my $300.00 Boccelli leather shoes."
================================================== ==
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as
a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the
Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger. Now learn to pay attention."
================================================== ==
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed
and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little
more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a
little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With a little smile to
the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was
unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan
and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
================================================== ==
The Husband Super Store
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to
choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with
the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule
was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man
from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except
to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the
shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The
women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or
not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that
women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall
down the stairs."
================================================== ==
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side
of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I
am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take
anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks
away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a
nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great love life." Well, a year goes past (as they
often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and
goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little
guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par
every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it,
every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note." The
leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
love life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a
date maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and
stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!" The golfer, a little embarrassed,
looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish."
================================================== ==
Ye might be a Leprechaun if...
O You snicker uncontrollably all through "Darby O'Gill And The Little
People."
O Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists --Paula
Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.
O You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for
lunch.
O When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr,
there's me pot o' gold!)
O In your cupboard -- nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.
O Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and
bury it somewhere.
O You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the
embarrassment of all your friends.
O You've been under a rock for the past few years.
O You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)
O You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling
kneecaps, you do."
O When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by
saying things like "How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad?
You're wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, doomb or sumpthin?" O Around St. Patrick's Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at
McDonald's.
O When you say something is "magically delicious," it really is.
And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:
O You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green
a lot!
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and
be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be
bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will
look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been
complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He
won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think
properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it
will have to be our little secret.....You know, woman to woman."
================================================== ==
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in
the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?" The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit
dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough
up with her vagina. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that
your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the
girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious
husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee,
carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on
the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a
thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed
and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, "****
woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a
biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
================================================== ==
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor
comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You
have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?". "Go home, Eat 3
sausages, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure
me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better
understanding of what your ass is for.
================================================== ==
Giorgio arrived in the United States from Italy about six months ago. He
walks to work every day and passes the same shoe store. Each day he
stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Boccelli leather
shoes. After about two months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost, and
purchases them. Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a
dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight? "
Sophia, startled, says "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how
do you know? "Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00
Boccelli leather shoes, how do you like them?
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa,
do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do but
how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new
$300.00 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now the evening
is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to
dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella,
be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please,
please, tella me this true. "Carmella answers, "Yes, yes Giorgio, I wear no
panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a
CRACK in my $300.00 Boccelli leather shoes."
================================================== ==
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as
a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the
Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger. Now learn to pay attention."
================================================== ==
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed
and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little
more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a
little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With a little smile to
the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was
unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan
and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
================================================== ==
The Husband Super Store
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to
choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with
the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule
was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man
from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except
to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the
shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The
women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or
not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that
women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall
down the stairs."
================================================== ==
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side
of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I
am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take
anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks
away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a
nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great love life." Well, a year goes past (as they
often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and
goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little
guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par
every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it,
every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note." The
leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
love life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a
date maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and
stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!" The golfer, a little embarrassed,
looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish."
================================================== ==
Ye might be a Leprechaun if...
O You snicker uncontrollably all through "Darby O'Gill And The Little
People."
O Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists --Paula
Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.
O You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for
lunch.
O When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr,
there's me pot o' gold!)
O In your cupboard -- nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.
O Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and
bury it somewhere.
O You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the
embarrassment of all your friends.
O You've been under a rock for the past few years.
O You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)
O You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling
kneecaps, you do."
O When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by
saying things like "How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad?
You're wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, doomb or sumpthin?" O Around St. Patrick's Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at
McDonald's.
O When you say something is "magically delicious," it really is.
And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:
O You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green
a lot!