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September 30th, 2004, 12:01 AM
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA PUBLIC EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people shall receive 30 minutes for lunch as
they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people shall receive 15 minutes for lunch
to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all
the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying
a $600 Gucci Bag, we will assume you are doing well
financially. Therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better so that you may buy nicer clothes.
Therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need
to be. Therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. With permission
of your supervisor, you may work through your lunch
hour and leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restrooms. Effective November 1, 2004, at 12:01 a.m.,
there shall be in effect a strict three (3) minute
time limit in all restroom stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract into the wall, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken of the employee
occupying the stall. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people shall receive 30 minutes for lunch as
they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people shall receive 15 minutes for lunch
to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all
the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying
a $600 Gucci Bag, we will assume you are doing well
financially. Therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better so that you may buy nicer clothes.
Therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need
to be. Therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. With permission
of your supervisor, you may work through your lunch
hour and leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restrooms. Effective November 1, 2004, at 12:01 a.m.,
there shall be in effect a strict three (3) minute
time limit in all restroom stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract into the wall, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken of the employee
occupying the stall. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.