dammit
March 3rd, 2005, 08:51 PM
Taxpayer Notification. Re: New Penis Tax.
To: All male taxpayers
From: Infernal Revenue Service
Date: January 1, 2005
Subject: Notice of new taxes for all males,
Form 1040P.
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong. That is due
to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and the other 10% of the
time it is in the hole. In addition to this, it has two dependents and they
are both nuts.
Congress has enacted legislation to begin such taxation in spite of the
foregoing. Therefore, effective with the 2005 tax year, your Ding Dong will
be taxed according to the following chart:
If it is more than 12 inches long (30.5cm), you will have to file for Capital
Gains; see Form 1040Monster.
If it is 10-12 inches long (25.4-30.5cm), you will pay a Luxury Tax of
$30.00.
If it is 8-10 inches long (20.3-25.3cm), you will pay a Pleasure Tax of
$25.00.
If it is 6-8 inches long (15.2-20.2cm), you will pay a Privilege Tax of
$15.00.
If it is 4-6 inches long (10.2-15.1cm), you will pay a Nuisance Tax of $5.00.
In addition, if it is 3.9-4.7 inches in circumference (10-12cm), you
will pay a Wiener Tax of $10.00.
If it is 4.8-5.5 inches in circumference (12-14cm), you will pay a
Pleasure Tax of $20.00.
If it is more than 5.5 inches in circumference (14cm +), you will pay
a Pain Tax of $50.00.
If it is under 4 inches (10.1cm) in length or under 3.9 inches (10cm) in
circumference, or if you can prove that you are impotent, your wife or lover
may be eligible for a Compassionate deduction. Also, if you are a eunuch,
you may be eligible for a Depletion Allowance. See Form 1040Poorboy.
If it is circumcised, you must pay an additional Severance Tax of $10.00.
If it is uncircumcised, you must pay a special EPA Cleanup Tax of $30.00.
If you are a transsexual, you must pay a Screwball Tax of $100.00.
NOTE: If your return is audited at any time, the measurements you have
reported will be checked by the IRS Auditor. Discrepancies will be severely
penalized. If the actual length is greater than previously reported, it will
be surgically truncated to the length claimed. Also, if there are
differences in measurements between one year and the next, you must have your
physician provide a completed Form 1040Peckerchange explaining the
discrepancy.
Rapaciously yours,
I. M. Nutbreaker
Infernal Revenue Service
To: All male taxpayers
From: Infernal Revenue Service
Date: January 1, 2005
Subject: Notice of new taxes for all males,
Form 1040P.
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong. That is due
to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and the other 10% of the
time it is in the hole. In addition to this, it has two dependents and they
are both nuts.
Congress has enacted legislation to begin such taxation in spite of the
foregoing. Therefore, effective with the 2005 tax year, your Ding Dong will
be taxed according to the following chart:
If it is more than 12 inches long (30.5cm), you will have to file for Capital
Gains; see Form 1040Monster.
If it is 10-12 inches long (25.4-30.5cm), you will pay a Luxury Tax of
$30.00.
If it is 8-10 inches long (20.3-25.3cm), you will pay a Pleasure Tax of
$25.00.
If it is 6-8 inches long (15.2-20.2cm), you will pay a Privilege Tax of
$15.00.
If it is 4-6 inches long (10.2-15.1cm), you will pay a Nuisance Tax of $5.00.
In addition, if it is 3.9-4.7 inches in circumference (10-12cm), you
will pay a Wiener Tax of $10.00.
If it is 4.8-5.5 inches in circumference (12-14cm), you will pay a
Pleasure Tax of $20.00.
If it is more than 5.5 inches in circumference (14cm +), you will pay
a Pain Tax of $50.00.
If it is under 4 inches (10.1cm) in length or under 3.9 inches (10cm) in
circumference, or if you can prove that you are impotent, your wife or lover
may be eligible for a Compassionate deduction. Also, if you are a eunuch,
you may be eligible for a Depletion Allowance. See Form 1040Poorboy.
If it is circumcised, you must pay an additional Severance Tax of $10.00.
If it is uncircumcised, you must pay a special EPA Cleanup Tax of $30.00.
If you are a transsexual, you must pay a Screwball Tax of $100.00.
NOTE: If your return is audited at any time, the measurements you have
reported will be checked by the IRS Auditor. Discrepancies will be severely
penalized. If the actual length is greater than previously reported, it will
be surgically truncated to the length claimed. Also, if there are
differences in measurements between one year and the next, you must have your
physician provide a completed Form 1040Peckerchange explaining the
discrepancy.
Rapaciously yours,
I. M. Nutbreaker
Infernal Revenue Service