w1che
February 23rd, 2001, 10:27 PM
Most Americans became aware of the Humvee (military shorthand for HUgely Masculine VEEhickle) during the Gulf War, when U.S. troops, driving Humvees equipped with missile launchers, kicked Iraq's butt and taught Saddam Hussein a lesson that he would not forget for at least several weeks.
After the war, a few wealthy Californians got hold of Humvees. This led to some mishaps, most notably when Arnold Schwarzenegger, attempting to open his garage door, accidentally launched a missile. Fortunately, it landed in a non-celebrity neighborhood.
But once the ``bugs'' were ironed out, the Humvee became available for civilian purchase. I test-drove one recently thanks to my buddy Terry Jackson, who is the local pimp and car tester in my neighborhood. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND women. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big letdown for him.
When I arrived at Terry's house, there was a bright-yellow Humvee sitting in his driveway, covered with puddles of drool deposited by passing guys. In terms of styling, the Humvee is as masculine as a vehicle can get without actually growing hair in its wheel wells. It's a big, boxy thing with giant tires and many studly mechanical protuberances. It looks like something you'd buy as part of a toy action-figure set called ``Sergeant Bart Groin and His Pain Platoon.''
Terry told me this particular Humvee model cost $101,000, which sounds like a lot of money until you consider its features. For example, it has dashboard switches that enable you to inflate or deflate your tires as you drive. Is that cool, or WHAT? In a perfect guy universe, this feature would seriously impress women.
GUY: Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!
WOMAN: Pull over right now, so we can engage in wanton carnality!
Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work this way. I know this because when I took a blonde female friend for a ride in the Humvee, we had this conversation:
ME: Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!
MY FRIEND: Why?
Another feature that my female friend did not appreciate was the winch. This Humvee had a SERIOUS winch in front (``It can pull down a house,'' noted Terry). There's nothing like the feeling of sitting in traffic, knowing that you have a MUCH bigger winch than any of the guys around you. Plus, a winch can be mighty handy in an emergency. Like, suppose some jerk runs you off the road, into a ditch. After a tow truck pulls you out, you could find out where the jerk lives, then use your winch to pull down his house.
All I can say now, is you better be nice to me because I'm buying me one! Where did you say you live again? http://www.cybertechhelp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.cybertechhelp.com/ubb/tongue.gif
After the war, a few wealthy Californians got hold of Humvees. This led to some mishaps, most notably when Arnold Schwarzenegger, attempting to open his garage door, accidentally launched a missile. Fortunately, it landed in a non-celebrity neighborhood.
But once the ``bugs'' were ironed out, the Humvee became available for civilian purchase. I test-drove one recently thanks to my buddy Terry Jackson, who is the local pimp and car tester in my neighborhood. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND women. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big letdown for him.
When I arrived at Terry's house, there was a bright-yellow Humvee sitting in his driveway, covered with puddles of drool deposited by passing guys. In terms of styling, the Humvee is as masculine as a vehicle can get without actually growing hair in its wheel wells. It's a big, boxy thing with giant tires and many studly mechanical protuberances. It looks like something you'd buy as part of a toy action-figure set called ``Sergeant Bart Groin and His Pain Platoon.''
Terry told me this particular Humvee model cost $101,000, which sounds like a lot of money until you consider its features. For example, it has dashboard switches that enable you to inflate or deflate your tires as you drive. Is that cool, or WHAT? In a perfect guy universe, this feature would seriously impress women.
GUY: Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!
WOMAN: Pull over right now, so we can engage in wanton carnality!
Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work this way. I know this because when I took a blonde female friend for a ride in the Humvee, we had this conversation:
ME: Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!
MY FRIEND: Why?
Another feature that my female friend did not appreciate was the winch. This Humvee had a SERIOUS winch in front (``It can pull down a house,'' noted Terry). There's nothing like the feeling of sitting in traffic, knowing that you have a MUCH bigger winch than any of the guys around you. Plus, a winch can be mighty handy in an emergency. Like, suppose some jerk runs you off the road, into a ditch. After a tow truck pulls you out, you could find out where the jerk lives, then use your winch to pull down his house.
All I can say now, is you better be nice to me because I'm buying me one! Where did you say you live again? http://www.cybertechhelp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.cybertechhelp.com/ubb/tongue.gif