Sweets and tarmadam.

[valiantv]

(Hmm had to tone down the cursing... how you supposed to write a decent joke?)


Two sweets, Winegum and Jellybaby were having a beer in a pub chatting away when in comes Liquorice Allsort.

"Oi! Jellybaby!", bellowed Liquorice Allsort, "you're sitting in my favourite chair!"
"Wha? Eh..." stammered Jellybaby.
"Get out of my chair! Just for that you better buy me a pint!"
"Ehhh - OK... sorry about that", said Jellybaby, and he moved seats and bought a pint for Liquorice Allsort.

Winegum said to Jellybaby, "Jesus Jellybaby, what's wrong with you? You can't let him treat you like that, you have to learn to stand up for yourself."
"I know, I know", groaned Jellybaby, "OK, we'll sit in the same seats tomorrow and when he comes up to me like that, I'll stand up to him and tell him where to shove his favourite stool"

So the next day they sat in the same seats, when at the same time Liquorice Allsort came in.
"I thought I told you that was MY seat! Get the hell out of it! And you better buy me another pint!"
Jellybaby stood up so they were eye to eye, and said, "I was sitting here first! Find somewhere else to sit!".
So Liquorice Allsort grumbled something and sat down at another stool at the other end of the bar.

"Good man!", said Winegum as soon as he was gone, "You see it's not that hard." Jellybaby sat there all pleased with himself when in walked Lozenge.

"Jellybaby!", he shouted, "get the hell out of my favourite chair!"
Jellybaby quickly shuffled off the chair, and Lozenge looked at it and said, "You left it all sticky! You better buy me a pint for that!"
Despite it not being too sticky, Jellybaby bought the pint for Lozenge anyway, and went over to a different stool.

Winegum looked on in shock, "What the hell happened?"
Jellybaby replied, "Don't you know who that is? That's Lozenge! He's bloody menthol!"



It gets worse.... ;)

Two road-coverings, Concrete and Black Tarmacadam were sitting in a pub talking to each other when in walks Red Tarmacadam.

""Oi! Black Tarmacadam!", bellowed Red Tarmacadam, "you're sitting in my favourite chair!"
"Wha? Eh..." stammered Black Tarmacadam.
"Get out of my damn chair! Just for that you better buy me a pint!"
"Ehhh - OK... sorry about that", said Black Tarmacadam, and he moved seats and bought a pint for Red Tarmacadam.

Concrete said to Black Tarmacadam, "Come on, Black Tarmadam, you can't let people walk all over you like that! Stand up for yourself, for God's sake."
"OK", said Black Tarmacadam, "The next time he does that, I'll stand up for myself."
The next day, they sat on the same stools, when Red Tarmacadam came in and said, "Oi, Black Tarmacadam! I told you yesterday that was my seat!"
Black Tarmacadam stood up and said, "Sit somewhere else! I was here first!" And red tarmacadam grumbled under his breath found another stool the other end of the bar.

Concrete said to Black Tarmacadam, "Well done, bud! See that wasn't so hard was it?", when in walked Green Tarmacadam.
"Oi! Black Tarmacadam! WHat the hell are you doing on my favourite stool!?"
The moment Black Tarmacadam saw him, he jumped out of the stool and sat the other side of Concrete.

Concrete shook his head, "What happened to you? I thought you were able to stand up to your self!"
Black Tarmacadam replied, "Don't you know who that is? That's Green tarmacadam..

He's a bloody cycle path!"

[Snurfen]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[amnell71]

oi vey!! :rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:

[Tom]

Tarmacadam? I'll own up - nary a clue what all that is referring to. I paid the membership fee - how come I didn't get the secret decoder ring too?

[Snurfen]

A mixture of bitumen and stone, aka blacktop, roadsurface, the stripe etc. Dunno what you call it in the US.

First used by a scotsman by the name of Robert MacAdam, mix of "TAR" and "MacAdam" = Tarmacadam. Lucky they didn't call it "Rob-b1tch :rotflmao:

[amnell71]

Tarmacadam? I'll own up - nary a clue what all that is referring to. I paid the membership fee - how come I didn't get the secret decoder ring too?More frequently called "tarmac" here in the US, most often used to refer to the runway at the airport. I believe it's also what we refer to as "asphalt".

[Snurfen]

I believe it's also what we refer to as "asphalt".
Yep, that's what it's called. It's commonly referred to as asphalt over here too, particularly when specifying a job.

Tend not to use that term much myself, as it sounds too much like "bum fondled" when I say it :eek:

[dammit]

Don't trust any Gypo's to lay it though.. ;)

[amnell71]

Tend not to use that term much myself, as it sounds too much like "bum fondled" when I say it :eek:OMG, my side hurts! :rotflmao::rotflmao:

[Mr Bean]

"asphalt".

It's been a while since I had mine.

[Snurfen]

Ever since you stopped going in Minsky's :eek:

[Mr Bean]

Too true brawd

[Tom]

Oh. Uh... :rotflmao:I see the Cymraeg boys turned this into a glutinous grope again.

Now what about my secret decoder ring?

[Mr Bean]

Rings a plenty @ Minsky's bwty.

Snurfen, I'm sure, would love to fill you in on the rest:sarcastic :sarcastic :sarcastic

[Snurfen]

It's a drag cabaret bar in Cardiff. Don't even think about going there on a lads night out.......only go with the Missus.

One memorable night when four couples went, Dai's missus said about the third act "oooooh, she's a bit blokeish" Pause, count to three, gales of laughter from the other seven of us. :rotflmao:

[Mr Bean]

One of the boyos that works for me went on a night out.

Packed out to the trawsts and the bloke on the stage shouts out:-

" Bloody hell, there's Paul Evans over there everyone. I went to school with him ".

Needless to say, Paul done a bunk quicker than Ronnie Biggs and Lord Lucan put together with a dirty nappy.