Go Back   Cyber Tech Help Support Forums > General > Open Discussion > Jokes Forum

Notices

Reply
 
Topic Tools
  #1  
Old June 29th, 2018, 01:45 AM
dwelch dwelch is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 8
Jokes Jokes Jokes

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.
Reply With Quote


  #2  
Old June 29th, 2018, 01:46 AM
dwelch dwelch is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 8
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old June 29th, 2018, 03:34 AM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty

about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to

remind you that You are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths

teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you

read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my

students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,

and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you

will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small

difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old June 29th, 2018, 06:35 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always
had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think
there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit",
replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about
those fears you were having"? he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit,three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A barman cured mefor $10.00.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".


"Oh, Is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you"?

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now"!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old July 17th, 2018, 09:49 AM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who had travelled to Russia.
He said he just needs their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old August 4th, 2018, 06:35 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant. After being seated the first thing we noticed was that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

Then I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%".

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon..."
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old August 8th, 2018, 04:18 AM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old August 17th, 2018, 04:20 AM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
A cab driver picks up a beautiful nun. He won't stop staring at her. She asks what's wrong. She says he can tell her anything.

He says he's sorry, but he's always had fantasies about nuns - wanted to be kissed by one.

She tells him it's all right. But she just has two questions: Is he Catholic, and is he single?

He tells her he is Catholic, and he is single.

OK she says, Pull into the next alley.

They pull into an alley and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush

When they've finished, the man's crying. She asks him what's wrong.

I'm sorry, he says. I can't lie to you. I'm married, and I'm Jewish.

That's okay, says the nun. My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old August 23rd, 2018, 02:51 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
A man from Texas , driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT???
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old August 25th, 2018, 09:43 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1...For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2... Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3...Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4...Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5...Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7...The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?"before deploying.

8...Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9...Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10...You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

When all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old August 28th, 2018, 10:58 AM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
Wife Missing?

The first thing a husband should do.......CALL THE SHERIFF!!!



Husband: My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height ?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight ?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

Husband: A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: “Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!”
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old September 16th, 2018, 10:40 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
An Australian Poem (warning contains some Australian slang)


The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly
stuffed..

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy *****!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old September 18th, 2018, 02:24 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
A few one liners.


1. I never knew what true happiness was until I married and by then it was too late

2. Adam & Eve were the first people not to read the Apple terms and conditions

3. I should have been sad when the batteries in my torch died…but I was delighted

4. The man who invented Velcro has died…. RIP

5. It’s true that dogs are loyal, but cats don’t tell the police where you hide the drugs

6. Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you are missing.

7. Collecting my thoughts…almost got the full set

8. What do you call a false noodle? An Im-Pasta.

9. Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire

10. Tweet others as you would like to be tweeted

11. Don’t use a big word when a singular unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity

12. Viagra is now available in a teabag, it doesn’t improve your sexual performance but it stops your biscuits going soft.

13. I love jokes about eyes, in fact the cornea the better

14. Well, to be Frank, I’d have to change my mind

15. I’d like to go to Holland one day, wooden shoe?

16. Why do the French eat snails/ They don’t like fast food

17. To the guy who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

18. Amazon don’t pack my jigsaw very carefully…it arrived in a thousand pieces

19. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with society these days, nobody drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore

20. If it weren’t for the venetians it would be curtains for all of us.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old September 26th, 2018, 10:57 PM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtains and rods!
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old October 10th, 2018, 01:12 AM
Ned Seagoon Ned Seagoon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
O/S: Windows 10 Home
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Age: 75
Posts: 2,926
An Englishman's View of Australia!
The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
How else do you get a stain on your shirt?
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick and can't play rugby
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Topic Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump




All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:06 PM.